Dark...

Kau malu kerna kau bodoh..? Kau malu ketika kau ditertawakan kerna kau bodoh, kerna kau hodoh, kerna kau miskin.. ? hmmm.. loser… kau memang loser…

Kau pernah rasa tak rasa yang seronok sangat, apabila kau ditertawakan hanya kerna kau wujud? Kau ditertawakan hanya kerna kau wujud… kau ditertawakan bukan kerna essence kau, tapi kerna existence kau……  kau pernah rasa tak?

It fun, bro…
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Hmm… Mereka kata aku kelihatan kasihan kerna ‘lonely’… Hmmm. I am always alone. And It fun…

I always alone either in reality, fantasy or virtual. I also fight monster in my mind, alone. And I always lost… Yeah, sometimes I win, and sometimes I lost.. but mostly I lost.. For me, ‘win’ is just another word for ‘preparation to lost’.
After I lost, my character change, my mind change completely, and what I feel in that time will lost completely, you know… bipolar disorder.. they say… not multiple personality disorder.. but I prefer that I have multiple personality disorder.. I think it fun.. to become friend with someone that only exist in your own body… hahaha…

But, what I most afraid is, when someday ‘schizophrenia voice’ will exist in my mind, and will control my reality….if that occur, I do not know what will I do….may be….hmmm….. yeah…that is the only reasonable solution…. that I can think…..right now.
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"Kau takut tak kegelapan?"

"Takut?"

"Hmmm. Monster...."

"Monster? Hmmmm... You know….

The one who always live deep in a ‘darkness’, doesn’t care whether there are monsters in the dark or not, because he himself is a monster, monster that always wear a human mask, just to hide from they own 'darkness mind', and 'emptiness heart'."

I want to “partially” amnesia,
to forget who am I,
‘I’ that exist in my mind and heart..
I want to forget ‘I’,
‘I” that always feel,
the feeling of emptiness and darkness....
In my miserable world....

“I am sorry because I exist in your world...”
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“Kasihan… dia kasihan.."

"Dia kasihan? Kenapa?"

"Dia kasihan kerna hanya hidup seumpama mereka yang tinggal di dalam gua….hmm.. no life….loser”

“Hmmm.. dia kesihan kau katakan….? Bagi aku, it wonderful, you know… kerna mereka yang putuskan interaksi dengan dunia luar dan memilih untuk berkurung di dunia kecil mereka, masih tetap meneruskan kehidupan di dunia ini.. Tahu tak apa makna tersirat daripada kisah loser dia tu? Itu menunjukkan masih ada ‘beauty’ wujud di dalam hati dia, dan ‘beauty’ itulah yang menyebabkan dia masih meneruskan kehidupan tanpa commit suicide… indahkan?… ‘Beauty’ itu hanya dia sahaja rasai… ‘beauty’ yang tidak boleh diungkapkan melalui perkataan, tulisan mahupun perasaan… ‘beauty’ yang dia rasai hanya wujud di dalam hati dan tidak dapat dilihat di dunia luar… indah kan…… ?

dan mereka yang tidak pernah rasai ‘beauty’ itu tidak layak berkata apa-apa……… kerna mereka the majority… ..

ataupun sekadar menipu bahawa kau pernah rasai ‘beauty’ itu… bukankah itu yang selalu kau lakukan, agar kau dipandang?”

sumber inspirasi : Anime: Perfect Insider..