-decay-

In late night, this corrupted soul, start to kill me, piece by piece, so, in order, to stop it,  from destroying my spirit, further, I start to forgot myself, and 'enjoy' every moment, of my life, before, it really take away, my own breath.
My soul start to decay, long-long time ago, it decay without someone notice, even myself, always forgot, that this soul will 'broke', oneday.
I try to fight, but, you know, I lost, and lost, and lost, and, I give up. I accept it, just accept it, without heart(feeling), because, this decaying soul, destroy my own feeling.
I can't feel, anything, I just, can feel, sad, dismay, darkness, depression.
I don't know, why I can't feel happiness, and, I start to forgot, what happiness is. I think, in this past 7 years, I can't feel happiness.
Every time I smile, someone that exist, in my mind, always whisper to me, that, that smile of you, is just an illusion.
First, I do not believe her, but, day by day, month by month, year by year, I start to accept her word, willingly.
From that moment, my soul become more corrupt, as I smile, as I laugh.
My soul start decaying, more and more, as my mouth start to smile, and laugh.
And, I start to fall in love, with her, that only exist, in my mind. Yeah, sometimes, I want to kill her, but, you know, her existence is dependent on me, I kill her, it same as, I kill myself.
How, to forget her, how to forget this kind of love, that can't be explain, by, verbal, or, in reality.
Sometimes, I fall in love, with someone, in reality, but, she that exist in my mind, will whisper to me, that love is not exist, that love of you, is just an illusion, to run away from me.
And, I believe her, because, I know, corrupted soul like me, is not for her, that exist beautifully, in empirical world.
I love her, she that exist in reality, but, I put her in my own world, so, only me will love her, even though, she is just an illusion, of me. But, that kind of love, is wonderful, for someone loser, like me.
I love her, in my own mind, so she will stay in my mind, forever. That is the only way, to save me, from she, that exist in my reality. Because, I don't want to fall in love empirically, for me, it is just, enough, to fall in love, with her, that exist in my mind.
She in reality, and she in my mind, is different, even though, their face, is same. Because, their character is different.

The question is, how many of human, in my mind, of illusion?

Only two, she and me. Me is constant, and, she always change, face and character.... that is why, she always says to me, that love is just an illusion of my mind.
Love is not constant, it will fade away, as someone else exist empirically,in front of me, and,she in my mind, will also change.
You know, I love someone, but, in reality I hate her, because, she is different person, with same face.

Love is an illusion, of my mind, to escape, from my mental illness. And, I say, I love her, not because I love her, but, I just, want to use, her existence in my mind, as inspiration for my 'broken literature'.

And, only me exist in my mind... but I can create another personality, in order, ' to talk to me.'... I can create different personality in my mind, with different character, sex, in order, to become my own story, not just love story.......

Love is shit.... romantic is shit .......